An Empowered Reading

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An Empowered Reading

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

-Mark Twain

1/8/2016 – A Touch of Guidance

So yesterday I felt the urge to get some clothes for myself from a local metaphysical store.  Well when I got there I decided to get Tarot cards.  What I ended up with were Magical Times Empowerment Cards. I knew right away these were the ones I wanted. I remember how magical my mother’s Tarot Cards seemed to me as a child and these just seemed to hold that same possibility. And they were the right price.  I took them home, charged them, and then inquired about the direction I should proceed on this journey. The first card I pulled was

Adversity- See the gifts in challenge. One can be taught within the calm, but the greatest lessons are learned from the storms.

At first I was confused but quickly realized I was probably dealing with a three card reading. Instead of Adversity representing what I have to look forward to in my future, Adversity represented my journey so far, what brought me to this point in my life. An imbalance. I realized what I had been dealing with is fear. Fear of things I cannot control as well as how sensitive I can be to the trials others are facing. Just knowing the pain of other beings (people, animal, whatever) causes me considerable pain and I want desperately to help/save them. And I can’t. Vaccinations being forced was the straw that broke this camels back. Although I vaccinate my children, on a different timeline, and most likely have nothing to worry about, it was is if this was a death sentence to every one of my babies!  I eventually developed aches and pains in my neck and shoulders that were hard to release. Anyways, I won’t go there now.  I still believe in choice but this issue and how much it affected me is indeed what led me to decide to block out a ton of stuff from my reality while I heal and grow. The next card I drew was the reverse

I took this shot in the dark, on my bed while the chilluns were sleeping! I pulled Adversity, Integrity, and finally Destiny!

Integrity- Drop the things that offend your soul. Embrace your truth. It’s your life, let no one live it for you.

Now this is interesting because it is my present card but upside down!  I am NOT being my best, truest self. But why?  Who is that woman?  How do I drop those things that worry me?  I have an idea of the woman I want to become but I am open to suggestions from the universe. The last card, the card that gives me some small clue as to what I should focus on- the card that took me by surprise- was

Destiny- Acknowledge your mission. Align with your purpose. You have gifts to share with the world.

This, to me, denotes so much positive power in just the possibilities alone!  It means I am at a major turning point in my life and- well it means I also need to be careful with my choices. There is a quote in the booklet that comes with these cards,

Be careful of your thoughts,

for they become your words.

Be careful of your words,

for they become your actions.

Be careful of your actions,

for they become your habits.

Be careful of your habits,

for they become your character.

Be careful of your character,

for your character becomes your destiny.

                  -Unknown

The Destiny card definitely puts more weight to this off-handed decision I have made.

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The Wolf Connection

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The Wolf Connection

 

Coincidences mean you’re on the right path.

― Simon Van Booy, Love Begins in Winter: Five Stories

 

1/6/2016- Coincidence?

So these coincidences just keep right on coming. I saw a post today from one of my witch groups of a wolf. It reminded me of a summer I spent in Florida with my brother and his wife. I discovered a connection to wolves, Timber Wolves, although to this day there’s no logical reason for it. Apparently, on a recent trip to that same town, our mother vehemently denied the trip!  It was such a great summer for me, one of those summer’s where nothing happens but everything changes- those coming-of-age summers. I was lucky enough to have two of those. The fact that my mother denies it ever happened speaks volumes about her.

 Was she subconsciously attempting to sabotage my personal growth?  Maybe that is why I had two summers and not just one. It speaks of her capacity to, in her mind, change events as they actually happened.

It speaks of her devious ways- I’ve always believed the reason I came back home that summer was because she knew she would miss me too much, however, instead of just admitting that fact, she decided not to hold up her end of the deal financially. Or maybe she just didn’t want to fork over the money. Perhaps a part of her knew how much I might grow living with my brother and his wife and her family. I grew so much during that short time and her denying that summer also denies that growth- also not a coincidence.

Funny, but as I was writing this, I remember that my SIL said that we were in St. Augustine, Florida. I currently reside on San Augustine way, and get this, I call my husband Augie, a pet name based off a name his father once wanted to name him. I wonder what, if anything, that means?

Ralph Smart is the name of the fellow who inspired me the other day and continues to do so. I’ve watched several of his videos so far  and ideas are bubbling. Ideas about my own websites and videos. Or something. It’s still not clear, but I know I should continue on this path and see where it leads me. I’m apprehensive and excited!

Mental Quietude

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Mental Quietude

Whatever you do or dream you can do – begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

1/5/2016 – The Journey Begins

So yesterday, although I completed every FitBit goal on my dashboard, I did not do any writing or work! I did manage to do some meditation but my mind- well I guess I got a few moments of mental quietude, if that’s even a word, but there is still so much fear.  

I have the amazing ability to turn even the most positive thing into a scary disaster complete with the deaths of those closest to me… and my own survival, of course, so that I can can be sure and fully experience the pain of my loss.

But there was this moment, afterwards, where I felt moved to just lie on the floor, on my side, with my ear to the ground and my hand there as well…

And I spoke… 

                     …to no one in particular…

asking for concrete guidance on where to start this spiritual journey.  I momentarily felt lost and in a state of panicked upheaval.  I felt that if I just focused on what I wanted, visualized what that might look like and kept that image clear, I would find the right pathway to that outcome!  I desire a few things, one of which is to be my best, wisest, truest self… whatever that means?

Anyway, the things I’ve been experiencing lately are telling and possibly important. At least insofar as I am aware of them as being important.  First it was the game of Trouble played with my family.

Now, family games for me as a child have been very emotional and upsetting.  Even then I hated losing and I am pretty certain that playing Monopoly with older cousins who probably took advantage of my limited math skills didn’t help me in the least.  I have stayed away from board games fearing that these old emotions would be triggered but, when you are a parent, as I am, you often face known triggers.

We played two games and I won both times!  I wasn’t looking to win, only have fun with my whole family.  Winning just wasn’t important!  In fact, the second time around, I felt certain I was losing, but yet I won!  I trusted!  I trusted in this small, insignificant way that what should be, would be, and I knew that at that moment the lesson was meant for my son, who was experiencing what looked like my former frustrations with losing.

And this morning, after last nights events, I discovered a man who seems to have posted several videos on many subjects I believe might be helpful to me this year!  Not a coincidence I am positive!  So, after only a few days of conscious effort to relax my body, calm my emotions, and truly practice love & peace ( there have been some missteps there but I must be patient and gentle even with myself) as well as incorporating healthy living habits into my everyday life, I am beginning to attract!

Resolutions for 2016

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Resolutions for 2016

   Begin today. Declare out loud to the universe that you are willing to let go of struggle and eager to learn through joy. –Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

My primary concern as I enter the new year is this terrible feeling I’ve been carrying.  Probably stems from this forced vaccination law.

                   As far as I can see no good will come of it.

But really the problem is how much it has affected me. Like any negative thing it keeps me up at night with worry. 😓 I need to explore the idea of an energy cleansing- keep exposure to negative energy low, focus on gratitude, and cultivate positive energy.

                🌾 Like a garden! 🌾

Even the movies I watch- which I plan on cutting way back- should be inspirational!  I want to fill my soul with gratitude, love, and light.

                   I want my language to change! 

   I think of my friend Ava, and possibly the teachings of Hinduism as inspiration for where or how to start this trek. I want to explore astral projection and be able to do it whenever I please. I want to explore the sensual side of astral projection because I think it may be something like those dreams I keep having. 

   I want to make money from home online and also build that calendar website which I think may be the first step toward my artists retreat.  I want to exercise everyday and get down to (and stay at) 20% body fat. I want to permanently reduce processed foods and sugar and just 

                    slow 

                         down!

   The woman I am looking to create is filled with bliss and love, is trim, fit, and healthy, has vibrant energy and has reconnected with that creative force I used to dwell in so long ago.

   I want to write everyday!

   Our family’s money worries have been eliminated due to several successful websites I run averaging $5,000 per month.

   I think if I think of these goals as things I want to work up to, a sort of slow progression or journey, perhaps a daily challenge wherein everyday I must touch upon each of these things in different degrees, I could very well see some positive results and gains!

A Pathway Leading to Magic and Enlightenment!

   My soul really needs to take a break from the ugliness of the world- it’s becoming increasingly easy to find. I want to find magic. I want to wake up in a land of beauty and surround myself with positivity and bliss!  

I think I can,

                    I think I can, 

                                         I think I can… 🚂

I Hate Mondays!

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Mondays are hard and not because it’s the begining of the week, but because it’s the end of the week- for my husband.  Tuesdays and Wednesdays are his weekend days and since he works such long hours, I spend all day… alone… with three small children 5 and under and by Monday I want to rip them apart!  The satisfaction I feel simply imagining this scenario –

the sound,

the feel of their flesh in my hands,

the amount of physical strength it would take to accomplish the act –

is so calming, such a tremendous relief!

But I feel guilty for even imagining it.

I’m terrified I don’t appreciate my children.  Other people speak openly and often about the many ways in which they find my children to be delightful.  And they are right!  It’s no act!  It just feels like it takes a lot of sweat, blood, tears, and about ALL of my patience to get my little diamonds-in-the-rough to be less rough and more diamond.  So I say things like, “Yeah, you should see them at home!” or, “Just wait, they’ll change your mind soon.”

I need to work on my attitude of gratitude because I truly have the best family ever.

Lately I’ve been wanting to pick up a vice.  I could really use a nice little addiction to help take the edge off or see the absurd side of life a little clearer.  Nothing too serious, a little pot – such is the family way – or a favorite alcoholic drink (i wonder what my favorite drink is…?)  But I wouldn’t be sharp enough to do my one and only job and take care of this family.

By Monday I am weary, frustrated, defeated and want nothing more than to shirk all responsibility to this family.

By Thursday, I’m slightly more refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to properly adore their cute little faces!

But Mondays are really fucking hard!

The Dream of a Sacrificed Child

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It is late.  Around 3 in the morning.  Or maybe it is 4 or 5.  I don’t know.  I am in the grips of a horrific night mare!  I, along with my family, am at a trusted friends house helping her prepare for a big project.

Suddenly I realize that my mother is nearby!  What’s worse is that her husband is actually in this same house!  Enraged, I panic and begin gathering my things trying to escape before she shows up!  I can not find my keys, my other possessions seem to be strewn about the messy house, the children are no where to be found and my husband seems to be gay (that’s happy not homo) and high and useless!  I know I’ll never get away in time, my mother is almost done with her haircut (which is strange since she has dreads) and that prick she married is pleading with me to speak to her!

But I refuse forcefully while still trying to find my damn keys!  He says she really wants to speak to me that she has something important she wants to tell me that she’s changed and I should hear her out!  But I don’t buy it!  A woman like that doesn’t change only finds better excuses on why she does the things she does to the people she claims to love.  And I have a family now, or at least I used to…somewhere.

But scratching at the back of my mind is a fear that what she really wants to tell me is that she is dying.

The pain I feel from that possibility is deep and desperate.

Then the unthinkable happens and she is suddenly THERE!  Like a shadow in the background looking on over my helpless and anxious scramblings with the most forlorn face!  By now I am too far invested in my own anger and fear and when someone hands me a set of keys (mine?) I grab them swoop up my DD and rush out the door!  What happens next in the dream may be inconsequential really.  I awoke still gripped in fear, intense anger, and sadness.  For awhile I couldn’t move, could only focus on

…breath…

  My mother betrayed me…again…and her mother probably betrayed her.  I could call her, try to get in touch with her, try to rekindle what we once had.  She is not the perfect mommy, never was!  I LOVED that about her!  She was smart, into palmistry, astrology, tarot, organic gardening, conservation and she was self taught!  Most people who met her, whether young or old, enjoyed her company immensely!  Until they were unlucky enough to experience her dark side.  I was her child, and I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about that woman! But I was always secure in the knowledge that she loved me and cherished me which meant she would never stuff me under the bus or ever be really cruel, callous, spiteful, vindictive and heartless like she can be with people who are not her children.

My older brother always tried to warn me, just a little.  Maybe, out of pure love, he always hoped she would change. Maybe he believed I could change her so he only warned me a little.

But I failed.  And I miss her.

  I know I could go back and apologize but it would be a little like returning to Nazi death camps proclaiming her superiority and offering my self up for public sacrifice.  And she would sacrifice me!  Then resuscitate me, invite me to tea, elaborate dinners and big fancy parties etcetera, and as soon as it suited her…

I don’t know what to do…

Will she ever soften up?

Wild Woman Walking

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Sometimes I feel if I could just relax my body and walk without conscience  I would find a rhythm, a wild rhythm, in tune with the natural world around me, secretly seductive, swaying hips and shoulders and breasts!  The way women walked before heels!  The way we walked when we used to gather in groups to pick wild strawberries in the woods!

Maybe if we kicked off our shoes and socks and ran full speed as if being chased by some wild beast

…and kept running…

                                           …past exhaustion…

                                                                               …past knowing…

                                                                                                                    …past awareness…

our bodies would be able to detach from our formed identities and be free to move freely.  The skin could be kissed by the sun, caressed by the wind, tickled by the earth with every wild and sensual movement.  Joints would unfurl, bones would be tested, and woman would be reunited with herself…

and we would smile almost imperceptibly!

We might find strength in our new found freedom, sweet intoxication walking without purpose, without direction connected to the wilderness around