The Dream of a Sacrificed Child

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It is late.  Around 3 in the morning.  Or maybe it is 4 or 5.  I don’t know.  I am in the grips of a horrific night mare!  I, along with my family, am at a trusted friends house helping her prepare for a big project.

Suddenly I realize that my mother is nearby!  What’s worse is that her husband is actually in this same house!  Enraged, I panic and begin gathering my things trying to escape before she shows up!  I can not find my keys, my other possessions seem to be strewn about the messy house, the children are no where to be found and my husband seems to be gay (that’s happy not homo) and high and useless!  I know I’ll never get away in time, my mother is almost done with her haircut (which is strange since she has dreads) and that prick she married is pleading with me to speak to her!

But I refuse forcefully while still trying to find my damn keys!  He says she really wants to speak to me that she has something important she wants to tell me that she’s changed and I should hear her out!  But I don’t buy it!  A woman like that doesn’t change only finds better excuses on why she does the things she does to the people she claims to love.  And I have a family now, or at least I used to…somewhere.

But scratching at the back of my mind is a fear that what she really wants to tell me is that she is dying.

The pain I feel from that possibility is deep and desperate.

Then the unthinkable happens and she is suddenly THERE!  Like a shadow in the background looking on over my helpless and anxious scramblings with the most forlorn face!  By now I am too far invested in my own anger and fear and when someone hands me a set of keys (mine?) I grab them swoop up my DD and rush out the door!  What happens next in the dream may be inconsequential really.  I awoke still gripped in fear, intense anger, and sadness.  For awhile I couldn’t move, could only focus on

…breath…

  My mother betrayed me…again…and her mother probably betrayed her.  I could call her, try to get in touch with her, try to rekindle what we once had.  She is not the perfect mommy, never was!  I LOVED that about her!  She was smart, into palmistry, astrology, tarot, organic gardening, conservation and she was self taught!  Most people who met her, whether young or old, enjoyed her company immensely!  Until they were unlucky enough to experience her dark side.  I was her child, and I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about that woman! But I was always secure in the knowledge that she loved me and cherished me which meant she would never stuff me under the bus or ever be really cruel, callous, spiteful, vindictive and heartless like she can be with people who are not her children.

My older brother always tried to warn me, just a little.  Maybe, out of pure love, he always hoped she would change. Maybe he believed I could change her so he only warned me a little.

But I failed.  And I miss her.

  I know I could go back and apologize but it would be a little like returning to Nazi death camps proclaiming her superiority and offering my self up for public sacrifice.  And she would sacrifice me!  Then resuscitate me, invite me to tea, elaborate dinners and big fancy parties etcetera, and as soon as it suited her…

I don’t know what to do…

Will she ever soften up?

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3 responses »

  1. while this is a very strong and powerful piece. I have much I would like to say about It but I have to go to work now.

    I will think about this at work in and when I come home I will have much more to say about this.

    Great work. I am so very, very proud of you

  2. again, I have visited your blog daughter of mine and I am experiencing again the power, the beauty and pain expressed in the words that you use to describe your powerful and symbolic dream.

    On one hand that horrible nightmare you had causes you to feel rage, anger, fear. You wonder why is your mother like that? Why does she seem to dislike me so much? There are many reasons As their are with all humans We are very complex creatures. I know that some have to do with her problem with me and the fact that you are so much like me. And we can talk about that . If you want to.

    But dreams can also provide information From us about us. And for us And your dream is rich with information, symbols, questions that you can ask that. Start with why did I feel those feelings of anger fear and rage. There are many new age tools that you can use to explore these questions. Starting with Tarot, numerology, astrology, psychics and many others. In time this will raise your consciousness and you Will begin to understand why you are here And what your true path is.

    So while what I talk about above may help you on your search for the lessons those feelings are meant to show you for your own personal development, there is but one way to deal with a difficult parent. You have to forgive them so that you can forgive yourself. Sounds crazy, I know but we all face that same problem.

    I was 50 years old before I received my mother’s blessing. Before she told me that it turned out that I had made something worthwhile out of myself,

    I was 50 years old before she told me that she was proud that I was her son. All the years before then she always said that I was the problem child and she always called me baby even though I am the oldest.

    Why because I was the one who left the nest. She kept most of her babies in the nest right on into adulthood and beyond. Some of them died. Having never learned to fly from the nest. the rest started their own nest within mothers nest.

    And in my 50th year when I went home to be with my mother I knew that she was dying, but she was happy and seemed at peace. She seemed more interested in spending time with the grandchildren than she did with me or any other of my brothers or sisters.

    The time was right. The mood was right. She had given me her blessing. So I decided to ask her – why had she kept most of her children in the nest so long? now that she was getting ready to go to the other side. She knew that they would not be able to make it in the world out side!

    She looked me in the eye and she said, now they are on their own I had the joy and beauty of having my family most of it here with me, including my grand kids now they are on their own. She smiled and went into her room.

    Here is the woman who was there for me in my earliest memories the one who taught me how to deal with life, showed me and gave me my first experience of love but did she do what she did because of the love she had for me, Or did she do it because of her own selfish need to hold on to her Children for as long as she could, even after they became adults.

    The more I thought about it the more angry enraged and negative about everything I became if only I had been there, maybe I could’ve helped the others to escape. If only I had been there, been a better son. Been what they all wanted me to be, perhaps she wouldn’t have needed to hold on to the rest of them so long and so tightly. If only I had been there

    At that moment it seemed as though a quiet voice spoke inside it said if you want to get rid of the fear pain and guilt because you was not there, then you need to forgive yourself, but in order to forgive yourself, you first have to forgive your mother. Once you do this then you will be free to build the world that you want to live in.

    Daughter of mine, words of your dream here in your blog fills me with pride and happiness to be witness to the power of your thoughts and the beauty of the images you create even as you describe the horrible pain that you felt From the events that occurred in the dream

    Daughter of mine, one day you must talk to your mother, not only as her daughter who loves her with her short comings, but also as a woman a fully functioning spirit. A shining Being of light who has embarked upon her own path, and can love her for the good things that she brought into your life and forgive her for the things that she fell short in.

    Having traveled this path before. I know that soon your time will come. Your time will come when you will face your mother as an adult understanding and appreciating her strength, as well as her weaknesses.And you will no longer fall victim to any of the negative. thoughts she may be creating in her dark world

    I love you very much.

    DAD

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